What does the family picture look like with the loss of the father? What does this loss do to a female child’s subjectivity? What happens if she never fully replaces the “love-object” of her father with another? Mourning never fully ends, it instead becomes a perpetual state which she finds herself drawn back into and out of throughout her life. Periods of depression, moments of self-doubt, a lack of self-esteem are her life’s torments. All of these things have been the driving force behind this work, which I have come to realize as my way of trying to come to terms with the loss of my father, and the lasting effects his death has had on my life and subjectivity over the last 24 years. Object Memory has surrounded the idea of this loss through memory, and more specific object and place memory surrounding his life and the circumstances leading up to his death and my life since. Memories of my father are filled with gaps and holes and some may be “screen memories”, as Freud would call them, which my subconscious mind has fabricated as a way of repressing emotions related to his death. Only now, have I been courageous enough to try and unravel them.
Over the years, the objects my family and I have kept as “souvenirs” of my father have become very precious and irreplaceable. The narratives surrounding them have come to hold very personal meanings. I have come to realize that these types of objects that relate to the loss of a loved one are held and kept by many. Through telling the narratives of the objects through my work, I am hoping to not only awaken the objects but to connect on a deeper more personal level with my audience through a sharing of the emotions and memories associated with mourning.